Remembering

Remembering

Being found is only a first step and a baby one at that...no pun intended.

Why is it that I am so fearful of my reunion with my son? I suspect the answer is complicated and there is likely a multitude of reasons. One reason would be that I have been conditioned for so long to stuff any thoughts and feelings about adoption and being a birthmother as far down as they could go. If I remember right, as birthmothers we were told we would forget...I am still trying to figure that one out! If I was to think about my son in times past I would be picking at a wound. The scab never really healed and always bled just a little.

I still wonder at my place in his life. I asked once what he thought of me and our reunion. His answer was if he didn't like it I would know. That was very early on in our reunion and since then I have felt him warming up to me. We have had a few heart to heart conversations about adoption, how it impacted him as a child or what he thinks of having me in his life now. I do read between the lines a lot and there are some good lines to read. I know that he is condsiderate of me and is thoughtful of me. He is polite and caring by nature I suspect which is always good, especially for me. I believe in my heart he would never hurt me and I do believe he considers me to be a part of the family. I am the grandmother to his children and that gives me a comfortable name. But am I his mother? I didn't raise him and he struggles not so much with what his adopted mother would think or feel , but I think he struggles with his acceptance with his siblings should he embrace me. Over the past years that we have been in reunion he has become comfortable that at least one of his siblings hase embraced me themselves. I am like a mother to her as well. She has welcomed me into her family circle to be sure. Not talking about adoption is like not talking about the elephant in the room at times. Acceptance aside, I struggle to know my place in his life although I assume it to be an important one and I suspect he struggles to know his.

I still have not answered my question. Why am I so fearful to bring up subjects of emtional and personal meaning surrounding adoption with my son? I cannot help but think that I am afraid that if I push too hard, if I sound like it is an issue I will loose him. It is crazy because he has given me no cause to think he could be so easily turned off or driven away. I do know that the way I was made to feel about myself and how unworthy I am makes it hard to believe that he would accept me unless I was a "good girl". That is something I will likely never get over. The damage cause by loosing my child to adoption is permenant and the scar is deep. My struggle will be to live around it and not cause it to hamper my current relatonship with my son or our future together. I am afraid to call him, I am afraid to bother him, I am afraid to ever loose him again. Yes, that is the reason I move forward so hesitantly. I am afraid to ever loose him again. The pain of living without him for thirty-five years is still so fresh in my mind. I could not live through it again. Fortunately, I do have a sense that my son does care about me....I felt it in his hug at our first f2f meeting . I just have to close my eyes and think about his hug...